It Should Have Been Me (A Psych FanFic)
by psychphrancisco
Summary: When Shawn gets killed in one of Juliet's investigations, will she be able to live with the grief, solve a case, and learn to love again?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One: I'm Sorry…

They say I was courageous, escaping the hooded men. They say it was brave to leave him dead on the side of the road. It should have been me leaping to catch the shower of bullets. I should have died with him. I shouldn't have left him there, bleeding on the ground.

He should have been the one to live. When I came back, i had to tell his best friend he died. I had to tell the person he's been friends with his whole life that i had let him die. that I had left him to bleed out on the side of the road. I can't bring myself to stop thinking about the day i let him die.

I had gotten into an investigation without the chief's permission. I had gotten us stuck in separate cells waiting to be tortured. He knew this, so he picked his lock when we were unsupervised. He came to me. He said we needed to escape. I feared for my life. I agreed. It was going well, until we were running down the dirt road leading towards the city. Ten men with machine guns found us, and aimed their guns at me. They opened fire, but he jumped in front of me before any bullets could hit me. He collapsed on the ground. I fell with him. i hugged him to my chest, screaming, not from being hurt, But from the pain of him dying on my lap. I screamed his name, demanding he not leave me. demanding him to live. The men let me sit, watching the light fade from the love of my life's eyes. then they came and pried me free of his dead body. I screamed bloody murder at them, thrashing to get free of their grip, and return to him. A tall, muscular man in a mask walks out from the shadows. He speaks in a low voice to the men. "She is useless without the psychic! I gave you direct orders to let no harm come to him! Dispose of her!" I thrashed harder in the hooded men's arms, trying to be next to my love's side when i died. I promised him i would stay by his side my whole life, and i was not willing to break that promise so soon after our wedding. The men dragged me out the gates, and threw me to the ground. I screamed for the man i just watched die, bringing my heart with him. One of the men shot me in the leg five times, but i couldn't feel it. i hurt too bad from losing him. i hurt from watching Shawn die. I screamed for hours on end before the police found me, and brought me to a hospital.

A voice breaks me out of my trance. Gus. "How could you stand to even be in the same room as me after I come back and tell you I let your best friend die?" i ask, without even having heard what he said to begin with.

"It wasn't your fault Juliet. He chose to save you." His calm voice makes me more angry with myself.

"It was my fault! I got him in that mess in the first place! I was the one who let him die! It should have been me, Gus! I Should have bled out and died on the side of the road!"

"Juliet. Calm down. It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known the men would find and shoot at you."

"No! Gus! You don't understand! i'm the one who convinced him to come with me to the base!"

"Shawn must've known how dangerous it would be when the chief gave you the case."

"She didn't give me the case, Gus! She told me _not_ to investigate, but i investigated anyways!"

"It was Shawn's choice to come, Juliet."

"No, it wasn't! i told him i was going with or without him, knowing he wouldn't let me go alone! i _wanted_ him to come, Gus! It's my fault he's dead!" I feel tears stream down my cheeks.

"First, of all, Juliet. Don't blame yourself. Second, i was told to tell you the funeral is tomorrow. 11:00 Am."

I don't answer. i just nod my head, and lean against the window.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: The Funeral

(just so you know any inaccuracies are on purpose just to help the story be more interesting)

I quickly change into my black skirt and blouse before i burst into tears again. I don't bother putting my makeup on, it will just run with my tears. A sharp knock on the door alerts me that Gus is here to give me a ride to the funeral. I open the door, and, seeing his face, i burst into tears. Again. He escorts me to the blueberry. seeing Shawn's favorite blue car, i cry harder. Gus pulls into the parking lot of the place the funeral is taking place. I step out of the car, walk over to the empty casket we were going to bury.

When the funeral begins, a few people talk, including Gus, Henry Spencer, and Shawn's mom. Finally, it was my turn to speak. i walked up, Trying as hard as i could not to cry.

"The Shawn we knew was a happy, carefree person. We all loved him very much, even if some of us won't admit it." I began, struggling to hold back the tears that sting my eyes. "He was a great detective, even if his tactics didn't quite sit well in anyone's stomache. I loved him with all my heart, but he wouldn't want us to mourn his death, he would want us to celebrate his life with Fries Quatro Queso Dos Fritos, and plenty of pineapple. I think I can speak for all of us when i say that we miss you Shawn."

i step away from the microphone, disappear into the crowd of people, only some of them random people who Shawn helped on cases. Gus starts searching for me, but i run toward the nearby pond. i peer inside a hollow log. i pull a pile of 90 rocks. each one symbolized every year left of Shawn's life left when he was alive. i sit on a large rock, and began throwing the rocks as hard as i could into the water. When Gus finally emerges from the trees, i am holding a duck in my shaking hands. Seeing the duck in my hands, Gus freezes. I Finish wrapping some leaves around his neck, and gently tying them off with sturdy long grass, so when his cut heals, the bandage will break off. i let go of the duck, and it waddles away.

Without speaking, Gus escorted me to the Blueberry.


	3. Chapter 3

hapter 3: Finally, a Case!

After nine months of therapy, I am finally (sort of) over Shawn's death. Chief Vick eventually gives me a case. I open the file to see a long list of missing persons, and another, slightly shorter list of where they were all last seen. The only form of 'lead' that was found so far, was that they were all connected; a white van with the last three digits on it's license plate being '904'.

I smile, and get straight to work on the case. I go to each crime scene, and analyze it top to bottom. It isn't until i get to the very last one that i find something: A business card with blood on it. I race around, and find two long thin sticks. Using the like chopsticks, i scoop the card up, and place it into an evidence bag. I hop into my car, and rush to the crime lab.

***Time skip because I am _so_ freaking lazy***

Finally, the results get back, and I whip open the file. The blood belonged to a Marian Everfield. She was the last woman to go missing. The card was a business card for a donut shop just outside town. I call up Gus, knowing he is going to be mad at me if I don't bring him along for some donuts. "Gus! Hey, you at the psych office or your place? We're going for donuts!"

"Why do I have the feeling this is for an investigation?"

"Fine. Yes, We are health inspectors there for a surprise health inspection."

"What?"

"Gus, I will explain later. Where do I pick you up?"

"The Psych office."

I hang up the phone, and hop into my car. Finally, I pull into the parking lot of the psych office. Gus is standing at the curb, and gets into the passenger seat of my car.

We pull up to the donut shop after 45 minutes of driving. We walk into the shop and walk straight up to the counter, skipping the line.

"Back of the line!" yells the guy who is obviously the manager (He is wearing a pin that says "manager")

"We are from the health department, here for a surprise inspection." I confidently tell the manager.

The man looks overly surprised. "Did you get a complaint or something, because we had a surprise inspection three weeks ago."

"No, the health department just wants to be very thorough."

"All right then, right this way." He leads us back to the kitchen.

He gives us a quick tour of the kitchen.

"All right, it's looking really good. do you mind if if we poke around a bit, make sure everything is in top condition?"

"No not at all. Feel free to look wherever you want." He walks out of the kitchen and we begin wandering around. I trip on a loose floorboard. Landing on my hands and knees, I see a little handle on the floor.

"Gus! look at this!"

"Juliet, your acting weird."

I grab is sleeve, and pull him the the ground. I point at the little handle. "Gus, why would there be a handle on the floor?"

"I don't know, decoration?"

"Really? A decoration you can't see unless you are looking for it? It's probably leading to a basement or something."

"So?"

"So, you'd think he would have mentioned it when he gave us a tour of the kitchen."

"Maybe he just forgot."

"Or, he's hiding something down there."

It is after dark, I am skimming over the warrant I just got to search the donut shop. Gus is behind the wheel of the blueberry, driving in the dark toward the donut shop. We pull around to the back of the shop. I race up the steps to the rear door. I try the doorknob. Locked. i kick open the door. I'm already inside, with flashlight on, and gun loaded, and ready to shoot anyone who tries to hurt us, when Gus comes panting into the kitchen. I feel around on the floor until I find the handle. I yank it up, and a small door swings up with it. I shine my flashlight down it, and see a ladder leading down. Not knowing how deep it goes, I slowly climb down, Gus closely following.

After seemingly hours of climbing, my feet hit a stone floor, sending an echo across a large room. I shine my flashlight around the room. The beam of light shines over a light switch right as Gus hits the ground. He sees it, and turns the light on, illuminating an empty stone room. The only thing occupying the room is a small family of mice, pressing themselves as far into the corner as they can, and a large door on the far wall. it is a sturdy door. It is made of a sturdy looking dark wood, and there is no crack on the bottom. A golden doorknob is in the exact center of the wooden door.

I begin turning the doorknob, when I feel Gus's hand on my shoulder. "Juliet." His voice in a panicked whisper. I slowly turn around to see a figure standing stiffly in the middle of the room. I Recognize the figure, but it has to be just a trick. He can't really be here. Not now, not ever. Shawn couldn't be here, because he's dead.

"How are you here? You're dead. I watched you die. I watched the light leave your eyes. I felt your heart stop beating."

"Obviously, you didn't, because I'm standing right here, preparing to kill you. I might let you live a little longer, if you drop the gun and the flashlight, and back away from the door." I drop the gun, and let the flashlight fall to the ground. Tears fall down my face. It isn't out of the joy that he is alive. It is because it hurts to see he didn't die. His voice sounds bored, monotonous, even. It isn't him. 'Shawn' leans down and picks up my gun. he checks to see that it's loaded, then he points it at my face. I drop to my knees.

"This isn't you, Shawn."

"Oh, but it is, Juliet."

"The Shawn I knew wouldn't do this."

"Well, then it's a good thing I'm not the Shawn you knew."

I close my eyes, and prepare for the worst.

"You're right. You're not the Shawn I knew. You're not the Shawn I loved with all my heart. That Shawn really did die. And he was better."

"No. I'm better than I was. I'm much better. I have all the things that Shawn didn't have, and none of the weaknesses he did have."

"Your right. You have Hate. Hate my Shawn would never have. You have anger. Anger so strong, it would make my Shawn nauseous. You don't have his humor, or his kindness. Most of all, you don't have the most important thing about him. You don't have the biggest reason I loved him. You don't have his big heart. He would have sacrificed himself for me. And he did. And it's my fault he's dead."


End file.
